So much I need to say

I have so much on my mind that I need to say.

Things I wish I could tell you, but I know that if I did, it would ruin everything. And not having you in my life at all would be the worst thing that could happen to me.

I just miss you so much. I am trying so hard to get over you and to move on, it's just a lot easier said than done. I try not to talk to you unless you talk to me first, because I don't want to seem annoying or clingy. I try to hang out with all of my other friends as much as I possibly can, because it seems like you almost never really want to hang out with me. I'm trying to keep myself busy in any way that I can, that way I don't have time to think about you.

But honestly, I miss you. And when it comes down to it, nothing I do really works. It does for the moment, but as soon as I'm by myself again, I realize how alone I am. Its just really hard for me. You never really get over someone you were so much in love with.

I don't want you back. I know you don't want me back either. But I want to be friends like we always have been.

The other day, Sunday, when we both used skype for the first time and showed each other all these cool things, you were so happy. And then I came over and you were so happy to see me. I could tell you hadn't been that happy in a while, and it made me happy just to see you like that. You gave me the biggest hugs, and you were being goofy and silly, and we were laughing and joking together, and we were both just so happy. You are the only person that can make me that happy. And we're just friends. And that's fine with me. When you're that happy, it makes me feel like I have my best friend back. Because you are my best friend.

But now when we hang out, you don't seem that happy to see me. You don't treat me the same. and it just throws me off. It's like you're always having these weird mood swings. I just don't get it.

I just miss you. And these are things I wish I could say to you, but I know I can't without ruining everything I have left.

This is nuts

So I've had a really bad day. Really bad.
But apparently that doesn't matter.
I lost my phone today at school. And knowing the type of people there, its probably long gone. But I'll be able to get a new one and stuff, cause we have insurance, but I can't help but stress about it a little. My phone was very important to me, and I feel so awkward not having it with me. That seems understandable, right?
It's also been a bad day because Brian has been going through some weird moods. But of course its all my fault. If I'm too quiet, or not as perky as usual, or not 100% happy, it throws him off and puts him in a bad mood.
Since I lost my phone, I've been feeling kind of scatter-brained. I have less than 2 weeks left of school, but my brain has decided to shut down a little early. So I'm not quite myself. I enjoy sitting quietly and thinking, about anything and everything, or nothing at all. But lately, if I find myself sitting quietly, I suddenly remember something and for some reason I think I've lost it. This is probably also due to the fact that I've lost my phone. So I frantically search for it, making sure I still have whatever it is. I'm not unhappy or upset when I do this, I just want to make sure I still have whatever it is. But oohhhh nooo. This isn't a good thing either.

And another thing, I have been perfectly happy with the way things have been going, I've been happy for the past few WEEKS, but those go ignored. As soon as my mood changes, and Brian gets thrown off, suddenly everything is crap, and to him, we've only been happy for like a day. That is complete bull. It's stress. We're both stressed. And apparently when we both get like that, we don't communicate very effectively, and I get made to feel like it's all my fault. It really is lovely.

I also have been completely exhausted for the past few days. This could be another reason. I haven't been getting much sleep, and it really impairs my function. I can't do anything. I get bogged down, worn out, frustrated easily, and my brain isn't as sharp as usual. This is probably the reason for everything. I'm just so tired.

Something else that is on my mind: Prom
Prom is coming up, and I am really excited. It's my senior prom, and I think me and my cousin Melissa are going together, which will make everything even more fun. But I also think that Brian assumes we're going together. But since I don't know for sure, I haven't said anything to him. He keeps complaining about having to get a tux, and having to spend his own money on it. Kind of stupid. Last year he spent like 84 dollars total. I've told him he doesn't have to go if he doesn't want to, cause I'm going regardless. It's just kind of getting on my nerves. But whatever.


I guess we'll see what happens these next few days.
I'm going to bed.

Im so confused

I don't think I could be more confused.
I'm happy, I just have no idea what's going on.
It's just him. He has no idea what he wants, and things just get super confusing sometimes.
I just don't know.
We'll see what happens.

Still Confused

So, we hung out all weekend, pretty much, and I had a lot of fun. We watched all kinds of movies and just hung out. It was really nice. It also seemed to me like he was being a little more flirtatious with me. But that's most likely just me seeing what I want in this situation, not what's actually going on. Oh well, maybe I'm actually right. But I still don't know what's going on in that boys brain, and things really haven't gotten any less confusing.

Anyway, my mom and I had to run tot he bank this morning, and this cute teller was flirting with me while he helped us out, and then later today I also got flirted with by someone else. I must say, flirting is fun :] Haha.
Being single has its perks. Tons of cute boys and flirting. But I do miss Brian a whole lot. Flirting is fun, but I don't have any desire to actually have another boyfriend or date anyone else or anything. I just want Brian. He makes me so happy. I still get to talk and hang out with him as much as I want, but I miss actually knowing he's mine. Anyway, I'm glad we're at least best friends. That's all I can ask for at the moment. Although, I wished for something special at 11:11 last night which I haven't done in a very long time.

But we'll see what happens.

This is the duck I made for the scholarship.

I hope I win the money!! :]

Clear Skies

So these past few days have been pretty awesome. With the exception of school and some stupid teachers, things have been great. I have a really good chance of winning scholarship money for gluing sequins on plastic duck, I have only three days left of the worst internships on the planet, and I have three weeks left before I'm done with high school for forever. I'm really excited. :]
I bought Avatar today and we watched it together. It was amazing, like I knew it would be. Haha. I had a really good time. It was fun hanging out together, and I'm really happy. I feel really good.
Things are going good. :]
We'll see what happens.

I miss him

So right now, I'm absolutely exhausted.
But I have so much on my mind at the same time. I thought it would be better to get it all out before I go tot bed.
So, We got to hang out again today for a little bit. It was in the afternoon and I was really in the mood for a nap. But I really wanted him to lay down with me, sort of like we used to do. So that just brought up a whole bunch of emotions and thoughts and stuff.
I really do miss him. I miss being able to do some of the things we used to do. Like laying down and resting with each other. And being able to hug him as much as I want to, whenever I want. I don't know. I see my friends Matt and Michele everyday, and they've been together for the past two years or something like that, and I love them to death, but seeing them together makes me miss Brian even more. I wish I could do or say to him even half the things they do and say to each other.
I don't really know. I guess right now I'm in one of those moods. I'm pretty much not even close to being over him, and I'm feeling kind of lonely right now.
What I miss most though is telling him I love him.
Because I still do. Very much.

Anyway, I'm really tired and haven't slept much lately, so I'm off to bed.

Two nights ago, we talked on the phone for an hour or so and pretty much decided to be friends for the time being. Not gonna lie, it sucked hearing it.He's just so indecisive and he doesn't know what he wants at all. I understand that, but it's so frustrating sometimes! When we were talking on the phone, we got on the subject of girls and that he doesn't really have a type, but there are certain things he looks for and likes. Red hair, athletic, funny, sense of humor, smart, pretty...
Check, check, check, check, check, and check.
That's exactly what was going through my mind when we were on the phone. But whatever. So yesterday we hung out after I got off work and it was a lot of fun. We had pizza for dinner, and then we went out and worked on his truck a bit. That's another thing. He's going to want a girl who doesn't mind hearing and learning about his truck. He loves his truck. He's definitely not obsessed, but working on it makes him happy.
Check.
It felt really good to hang out like that. To me, it felt like we were sort of back in physics class from junior year. That's where we first met and became friends. We talked and laughed about everything then. And that's sort of how it feels now. But that's fine with me right now, because I at least get to have him as my best friend.
But we'll see what happens.






Random side note.
While Brian and I were hanging out, we stopped at target to look around at stuff and he stole my phone and put it in his pocket. Well, he accidentally butt-dialed my friend Bridgett, and we ended up leaving like a 5 minute message. It was pretty funny. Anyway, Bridgett called back and for some reason thought I had been kidnapped because of the way the message sounded. Haha Bridgett can be kind of crazy sometimes. :] But it gave us a good laugh, and Bridgett told me to add this in my little post.

Background

Okay. So I decided to start this blog because I have so much going through my mind at any given time, its ridiculous. It all started with a boy. His name is Brian and we dated for two weeks shy of a year. It's the longest relationship I have ever been in. We were so in love. It was absolutely fantastic. If you've ever really been in love, or are in love now, then you know what I'm talking about. Our relationship wasn't one of those lame high school flings, it was the real deal. Anyway, that's what we had, but I won't go into detail, because it's still painful, even now.
He broke up with me two days into our spring break, therefor giving me the worst spring break ever. The pain was unbearable. I felt like my whole world had ended. I cried for days, and I couldn't be left alone. My friends definitely helped out a lot though, and I am very very greatful for all of the support they gave me and continue to give me. You have no idea how much it helped. Anyway, school started back up and it pretty much sucked. He texted me though, wondering if we could still be friends. I said yes, because he was and still is my very best friend. He knows everything about me and I know that I can trust him with absolutely anything. So we were friends, and it was good. We hung out all the time and talked about everything and sort of ended up realizing that we still had feelings for each other and maybe we might get back together.
So we kept talking and hanging out , and we even went on a few dates. It was great and I was really happy again. I felt better and I could tell he was better and happier too. But then all of a sudden, a few days ago, things seemed to have completely fallen apart and I don't really understand why. I feel a little taken for granted. The problem is, Brian doesn't know what he wants. On top of quite a bit of stress and a serious case of senioritis, it may have led to him having second thoughts about everything. About us. He's told me that he's curious as to what else is out there girl wise, and I have a feeling that this is why all of this is happening.
But we'll see what happens.